The Twelve Days of Annoyances
by dantesdarkqueen
Summary: Somebody has a very cruel sense of humor when it comes to Christmas gifts... Pity Cloud and Tifa! PITY THEM!
1. Day One

**Summary: **Somebody has a very cruel sense of humor when it comes to Christmas gifts... Pity Cloud and Tifa! PITY THEM!

**Disclaimer: **I don't own these characters, I don't own the song in its original form. I do, however, own this new version of it!

**Queen's Quornor: **Holiday fics and songfics are fun to do. They can be a real pain from time to time, but for the most part they are a lot of fun. Last year, I did a Christmas fic for Devil May Cry called "Santa Demon", and this year I wanted to do something a little different. I'd been mulling over the possibilities since before Thanksgiving, and one day the idea just hit me like a lightning bolt while I was on Photobucket and saw this series of pictures collectively titled "The 13 Days of X-Mas" for Kingdom Hearts. So this fic's been in the planning stages for several weeks now. I also had to reword more of the song than I had originally anticipated, since I don't think they celebrate Christmas on Gaia, there being no evidence of Christ in-canon and all. So, it has been ordained: the Christmas holiday on Gaia is known as Yuletide! Hope you all enjoy it!

Day One

_On the first day of Yuletide, someone evil sent to me..._

"Cloud, can you get the door?" Tifa yelled from the kitchen. "I can't leave the stove!"

"Sure, Teef!" Cloud got up from his maps, timesheets, and the list of orders he had scattered across one of the tables in the bar and went to the door. Planning his route for the next few days was always a pain, and he was more than happy for the distraction. The swordsman took a deep breath, feeling his mouth water at the delicious scents wafting out from the kitchen. Tifa was in the middle of her Yuletide cooking, making fudge, cookies, candies, chocolate dips, and all manner of assorted goodies for their friends and acquaintances. She always sent them some, including Rufus and the Turks since they had helped out with the Remnants, but kept plenty for Cloud and the kids.

Cloud always put on a few extra pounds at this time of year, mostly due to his damnable sweet tooth.

Getting to the door, he opened it, expecting to see yet another person with a cardboard box and a location for him to deliver it to.

Instead, he blinked. Twice.

Yuffie was standing on the stoop, a huge smile on her face and a big red ribbon around her neck. She had been basically hog-tied with crimson satin, sealed with a knot complex enough that she would never be able to extract herself without some serious help. "Hey Cloud!" she greeted cheerfully.

Cloud gaped for a moment. "What are... How did you... What..." he stammered, unable to process how Yuffie could possibly have gotten here tied up like that.

"Godo kicked me out for the holidays, like he always does. Then some dude snatched me, wrapped me up in ribbon, and dumped me here. He said I was the first gift he was giving to you this year." The ninja wiggled, a motion that reminded the swordsman of a snake. "Didn't hurt me at all. Not that I would have let him, anyway. If he had so much as touched me, I would have kicked his ass straight to the moon!"

Cloud sighed and picked the mostly-immobile ninja up to carry her inside, plunking her down on a chair. "Stay there. I'm going to go get a knife."

The ninja's eyes rolled. "Sure, Cloud. It's not like I'm going anywhere, anyway."

He might have believed that, if he didn't know Yuffie so well. "Just stay there," he instructed as he walked into the kitchen. Tifa glanced at him while he opened a drawer, searching for a knife.

"Is that Yuffie out there?" she asked, fishing some pretzals out of the melted chocolate in one pot.

"Yeah. Her father kicked her out and somebody tied her up in ribbon before delivering her to us." The swordsman found a knife and turned to leave, intending to free the ninja from her somewhat unorthodox prison.

"What?!" Tifa dropped the pretzals and turned off the stove, moving the pots to the back burners before racing in to assess the situation. Both she and Cloud groaned when they saw her.

Yuffie had somehow hopped across the floor while Cloud was in the kitchen and gotten behind the bar. She had found Tifa's special reserves and claimed a bottle of purple liquor for herself, prying the cork out with her teeth and tilting the bottle upwards using just her mouth. She set the half-empty bottle back down and licked her lips, shooting her stunned friends a toothy grin.

"That's some good shit, Tifa! What is it?"

"A bottle I found in the City of the Ancients, dated to about two thousand years ago." Tifa sighed and took the knife from her blond friend, sawing at the ribbon with a resigned air. "I have no idea how potent it is. Yuffie, why did Godo kick you out?"

"He always does around Yuletide, ever since I stole all the presents in town when I was eleven." Yuffie swayed dangerously as the martial artist cut her free. "Cloud, why are there five of you?" she asked before falling to the floor in a drunken sprawl.

Tifa shook her head and laid the knife down on the bar. "Knew it would be strong," she muttered before reaching down and pulling the ninja upright. "Cloud, help me get her upstairs. She can stay in my room until Godo says she can come home."

Cloud stared incredulously at her as he slung Yuffie's other arm over his shoulders. "You're going to let her stay here?"

"It's not like she has anywhere else to go, Cloud." Tifa smiled weakly. "Besides, it's Yuletide! We have to be nice to our friends!"

Yuffie's foot snaked out and hooked around the box of materia Tifa kept under the bar, winding the strap around her ankle securely. Cloud and Tifa glanced at each other and sighed again.

This was going to be a long two weeks.

_...A clumsy little thieving brat. _


	2. Day Two

**Summary: **Somebody has a very cruel sense of humor when it comes to Christmas gifts... Pity Cloud and Tifa! PITY THEM!

**Disclaimer: **I don't own these characters, I don't own the song in its original form. I do, however, own this new version of it! NEWSFLASH: Akalara's mine, Kandi's AmazonTurk's, and Nilto's MysticSpiritus'.

**Queen's Quornor: **Here's verse two...and the most lovable doofuses in Advent Children! Oh, don't look at me like that, guys. You were still kickass!!! This fic does share elements with previous fics of mine (and Amazon's), but really, it's meant to be independent of our mostly-canon timeline. This fic is purely ridiculous humor! And I have discovered something interesting: I do not have a problem writing post-FFVII Cloud, but I have an issue with writing pre-Nibelheim Cloud. How bizzare is this? Well, maybe not that bizzare. I also can't write Aerith very well. Maybe I just have a problem with getting inside the head of somebody more innocent than I?

Day Two

_On the second day of Yuletide, someone evil sent to me..._

"Tifa! You're going to have to get that!" Cloud shouted down the stairs. "I leave now and you'll never see your jewelry again!"

Tifa sighed and left the laundry room, knowing full well why her best friend and secret crush was unable to abandon his post upstairs. Yuffie was still suffering the aftereffects of the Cetran liquor she had guzzled yesterday, as well as the beginnings of the _worst _hangover either the swordsman or the bartender had ever seen, but that did not mean she was lying in bed moaning about it, like most people. Quite the contrary: Yuffie had to be watched every second, lest she steal something valuable. Cloud had already stopped her from swiping their materia four times last night alone, and Tifa had found that the ninja was not adverse to taking shiney objects in her drunken state; this unhappy circumstance had been unveiled when she had dragged Yuffie into the bathroom for a cold shower this morning, and various pieces of her and Cloud's jewelry, monogrammed pens, and silverware came bouncing out onto the floor.

Thanks to some new friends of hers in the Turks, namely Kandi and Akalara and Nilto, Tifa knew that an Esuna spell could cure someone of a hangover, or even the effects of alcohol while it was still fresh in the blood. Trouble was, their Heal materia was the first one to disappear, and neither she nor Cloud had been able to find it yet. They had no idea where Yuffie could possibly have hidden the thing.

As she approached the door, Tifa was suddenly overwhelmed with a horrible sense of foreboding. She did not want to open that door, did not want to know what was on the other side.

Wondering where the feeling had come from, she didn't know. It was quickly shaken off and the martial artist opened the door.

She should have listened to her gut feeling.

Reno and Rude stood outside the door. Well, not exactly; the two Turks had been boxed up. Literally. Somebody had put them both in enormous cardboard boxes covered with shiney wrapping paper and ribbons, with holes for their heads to stick out the top. There were even store-bought ribbons stuck onto the tops of their heads, green for Reno, gold for Rude. Both semi-disembodied heads lolled at her as she rubbed her eyes to make sure she wasn't seeing things.

"Hey, Boobsh!" Reno slurred. "How'd you get all the way out..." He searched for the word, wracking his brains for a second. "...here?"

Rude merely stared at her. Even though he was wearing the everpresent sunglasses, she could tell his gaze was locked directly on her breasts. Tifa sighed; not only were the daring duo boxed up like presents, they were also _drunk. _

There was a tag on each box. She took the one from Rude's and read it.

_Yuletide Greetings to my Dearest Friends! The Redhead is for the Woman's use, and the Bald One is for the Man's. _

She visibly recoiled. Reno and Rude had been boxed up for... "Who did this to you?"

"Jusht shome guy. Didn' shee facsh." Reno's head dropped forward, resting against the box tiredly. "Gave ush lostsha beer, though."

Tifa felt a migraine coming on. Somebody had hogtied Yuffie yesterday and delivered her to their door, and now boxed up Reno and Rude and gotten them shit-faced drunk. Whoever was doing this knew exactly how to take his prey by surprise; a ninja and two experienced Turks would not be kidnapped very easily.

Inwardly vowing to buy a security camera for the front of her bar _today_, Tifa got behind the two boxes and pushed them through the door one at a time. Reno and Rude couldn't be allowed out on the streets like this. They would have to sleep it off first, or at least wait until Tifa could call their respective girlfriends (or rather, Rude's and one of Reno's) and tell them to come pick up their men.

It was a good thing Barret had taken Marlene and Denzel for a few days. Things would only be that much more hectic with two kids, two smashed Turks, and one hungover, kleptomaniacal ninja in the same house. Plus, their absence meant that there were two extra beds for Reno and Rude to sleep off the booze in.

"Tifa? Who was at the door?" Cloud yelled, hearing her kick the door shut.

"Our secret gift-giver has struck again!" she called back. "Could you tie Yuffie to the bed or something and come down here? I need some help getting these two out of their boxes!"

_...Two drunk Turks, and a clumsy little thieving brat. _


	3. Day Three

**Summary: **Somebody has a very cruel sense of humor when it comes to Christmas gifts... Pity Cloud and Tifa! PITY THEM!

**Disclaimer: **I don't own these characters, I don't own the song in its original form. I do, however, own this new version of it!

**Queen's Quornor: **Slight change here. Still funny, though.

Day Three

_On the third day of Yuletide, someone evil sent to me..._

"I'm starting to wonder if our phantom gift-giver is really just a kidnapper with a terrible sense of humor," Tifa commented, dicing some carrots.

"It does seem a bit weird that all he or she has sent us is people." Cloud gathered up the pieces of orange vegetables and dumped them in the crocker pot with the half-finished roast they were making for dinner. "And furthermore, how did he or she sneak up on Yuffie, Reno, _and _Rude? They're all trained to know when somebody's tailing them, and what to do about it..." The swordsman added some potatoes to the pot. "...Not to mention how to escape such situations."

"I knew what you mean. How on Gaia did this person do this to them?" Tifa reached for another carrot, and sighed as a loud thump echoed from upstairs. She rolled her eyes and began cutting. "And here's another great question. How much booze did he or she give to them? Reno and Rude are _still _drunk, and I would think that they would be halfway through the hangover by now."

"Well, maybe he or she had some Cetran booze of their own." Cloud scowled as the front door banged. "Sounds like we have another uninvited guest."

Tifa blew some hair out of her eyes tiredly. "You get it. I want to finish this roast and see what our current guests are getting into."

"Sure, Teef." Cloud wiped his hands off on a handy dishtowel and raced for the door, hoping to catch the culprit before he or she disappeared.

No such luck. The person who had knocked upon the door was gone, but there was one helluva big box on the stoop, three times bigger than the ones Reno and Rude had been encased in the previous afternoon. As before, it was wrapped in shiney gold paper with a huge silver bow on top.

Cloud, eyes wider than the wheels on Fenrir, took an incredulous step backwards. "Tifa!" he called. "Come take a look at this!"

"What is it this...time?" The martial artist had come through the door to the kitchen, stopping short when she saw the box outside. "Whoa."

"I didn't see who put it here. Maybe the camera picked it up." Cloud steadied her with a hand on her shoulder. "You ok?"

"Just wondering what could possibly be in there."

"No clue. King Kong, maybe."

"With what we've been getting lately, I wouldn't be surprised." Tifa went up to the box and tapped on it. There was no answering knock from the interior. "Guess that means there's nobody in there this time."

Cloud chewed his lip, wondering how to go about opening this thing, then knelt and cupped his hands; Tifa stepped into them, and he boosted her up on top of the box. Surprisingly, the box didn't collapse under her weight. She pulled the ribbon and opened the oversized gift.

"Holy..." She gaped down at the box's contents. "Cloud...?"

"What? What is it?"

Tifa bit her lip, wondering if she was hallucinating. Nestled within the box were Kadaj, Yazoo, and Loz, all fast asleep in each other's arms. She had to admit, they were very cute when they were not out for blood. "I think our kidnapper also moonlights as a resurrectionist."

Kadaj stirred and blinked his blue/green eyes, staring up at her, his eyes slitted against the midday sun. "Mo...ther?"

The bartender sighed and smiled. She'd always had a soft spot for orphans.

"I think I just adopted three."

_...three remanents, two drunk Turks, and a clumsy little thieving brat. _


	4. Day Four

**Summary: **Somebody has a very cruel sense of humor when it comes to Christmas gifts... Pity Cloud and Tifa! PITY THEM!

**Disclaimer: **I don't own these characters, I don't own the song in its original form. I do, however, own this new version of it!

**Queen's Quornor: (**_rubs hands together in a quick, devious motion)_ And now for something a bit different... (_cackles madly)_

Day Four

_On the fourth day of Yuletide, someone evil sent to me..._

Tifa nearly leapt out of her skin and clung to the ceiling above when a sudden honking sounded from directly beneath her window outside. The sound was loud, annoying, demanding, and totally unexpected. Exactly the type of racket _nobody _wanted to hear at - she checked the clock - 3 in the morning.

Especially not when one was having a very nice, very _thorough _dream about one's best friend and longtime secret crush.

The martial artist sighed and shifted out of the blankets, both man-made and not. Due to the cold temperatures currently freezing Edge, she had at least five thick blankets covering her bed along with the comforter. Tonight, she also had three bed-mates to share warmth with. The latest additions to the household had immediately deemed her their 'mother' and refused to sleep anywhere else; they were curled up beneath the blankets with Kadaj and Yazoo on either side of her, Loz crowding in on the gunman's other side. They were all sandwiched in tighter than sardines, but it was very cozy, and Tifa didn't mind. They needed a mother, since Jenova had failed them so badly.

Extricating herself from the arms wound tightly around her body, Tifa got out of bed and went to the window, wondering who the hell would be up at this time of night honking their car-horn.

"What the...?"

Grabbing a robe, she scrambled (very quietly) out the door and down the stairs, careful not to hit the squeaky one. Not only were the Remanents asleep, Reno and Rude and Yuffie were also lost to Dreamland, the Turks because they were still trying to sleep off the effects of the alcohol and the ninja because she and Cloud had been forced to drug her. Besides, Cloud was probably asleep. She didn't want to wake him, just in case she was only seeing things.

Opening the front door showed her that, despite her exhaustion, she had not been hallucinating. There were four, count 'em, _four _WRO-issue Shadowfoxes parked outside her 7th Heaven, the streetlights glinting off the chrome bumpers and black paint.

There was a red bow on all four of the hoods, and a card on the nearest one. Tifa reached out and took it, her heart sinking when she read the inscription.

_Yuletide Greetings to my Dearest Friends! Enjoy these Tokens of my Affection for you both! And do not fear the Wrath of the WRO. They will not be searching for these Shadowfoxes anytime soon. _

Tifa stared at the card a moment longer, then about-faced and went back inside and up the stairs. But she did not turn into her own room; her hand instead found the knob of Cloud's door, and she entered his inner sanctum without so much as knocking. Going to the bed, she laid a hand on her sleeping friend's shoulder and shook him lightly. "Cloud?"

He mumbled something and turned over, away from her.

"Cloud..." She tried again. This time, her efforts were rewarded with him tugging the blanket up higher over his shoulder and head, so that all she could see of him was the shock of spiky blond hair resting on the pillow.

Tifa rolled her eyes; Cloud was always near-impossible to wake up when he didn't want to be. It was funny, really: whenever they were out on the road or fighting for their lives, he would be wide awake at the slightest noise. But here at home, where it was reasonable to assume they wouldn't be fighting for their lives, he was harder to wake up than your average middle-schooler.

Her red eyes flicked to the half-full glass of water sitting on the nightstand, and Tifa decided a change of tactics was in order.

Flipping up the covers, she discovered a most interesting fact: despite the cold, Cloud only slept in a long-sleeved shirt and boxers. Giggling silently at the view (he had a very cute ass), the martial artist reached for the glass of chilled water.

She wondered if she had looked quite that ridiculous when she was so rudely awakened earlier, watching him leap about ten feet straight out of bed, towards the ceiling. To her credit, though, she hadn't shrieked like he had.

Mako-enhanced blue eyes glared at her as their owner whipped the blanket off his bed, using it to dry off his soaked rear. "Tifa, do you have _any _idea what time it is?!" he hissed.

Cloud had never used that tone with her before, but she didn't blame him. She had, after all, just dumped a glass of chilly water over his silk-clad rear end. "You wouldn't wake up, so I invoked the Right of the Lady of the House."

"What right is that?" he grumbled, pulling the soaked, cold black silk away from his posterior.

"The right to forcibly awaken somebody who doesn't want to wake up through desperate means." Tifa turned to leave. "Put on some pants. Our phantom gift-giver just struck again."

"At this time of night?"

"Well, it is the next day. And it would be rather conspicuous, bringing these gifts to us in broad daylight."

"And yet nobody said anything about a hog-tied ninja, two Turk-in-a-boxes, and one bigass Yuletide present. How could this be more conspicuous than that?" Cloud closed the door behind her, and Tifa heard the familiar sound of dresser drawers being pulled open, followed by the _splat_ of wet boxers being thrown on the ground. A few minutes later, the door opened and Cloud followed her down the stairs, wearing the same shirt and some flannel sleep-pants.

His reaction when he saw the Shadowfoxes was much the same as her own had been. Tifa had to close his jaw with one finger, lest his mouth freeze. "Shadowfoxes?" he inquired, dazed.

"Shadowfoxes," she confirmed.

"No hostages in the back? No Cid under the hood? No Cait Sith in the wheelwell?"

"None whatsoever."

Cloud slowly shook his head in sheer disbelief. "Reeve is not going to be happy about this. No how, no way. Not happy at all."

_...four Shadowfoxes, three Remanents, two drunk Turks, and a clumsy little thieving brat. _


	5. Day Five

**Summary: **Somebody has a very cruel sense of humor when it comes to Christmas gifts... Pity Cloud and Tifa! PITY THEM!

**Disclaimer: **I don't own these characters, I don't own the song in its original form. I do, however, own this new version of it!

**Queen's Quornor:** Day five. I think it's time they got something nice, don't you? Besides, I always wonder what it must look like when Yuffie does her little jump-in, jump-out trick in Wutai.

Day Five

_On the fifth day of Yuletide, someone evil sent to me..._

"Mother, there's somebody at the door!"

Tifa cursed. She was elbow-deep in cookie dough, with Kadaj and Yazoo helping her turn it into cookies. Loz was out in the bar, watching for their mysterious gift-giver. Unfortunately, since the security camera was useless in catching footage of the man (or woman), the only instruction she had been able to give him was 'watch for anybody suspicious'.

It just figured that 'somebody suspicious' would show up at the exact moment she was unable to run to the door and kick his (or her) ass.

"Cloud! Door!" she screeched.

Heavy boots pounded down the stairs a moment later, followed by the surprised curses of two _still _drunk Turks. Reno and Rude were mobile today, something Tifa was yet unable to declare either blessing or curse. They hadn't done anything yet, but they also hadn't done anything yet.

They would sooner or later. Drunks always did.

The front door banged against the wall, and the martial artist listened for either her friend's call to 'come look at this' or (hopefully) the sounds of a chase. A chase would mean that Cloud had identified the likely giver, and was in hot pursuit.

She got neither.

Cloud came back inside a moment later, shutting the door quietly behind him. Tifa looked up from her dough just as he and Loz entered the kitchen, each carrying a pair of small, glowing...

"Materia?" she asked, surprised.

"Mastered." Cloud put his three down on the table and Loz put the two remaining orbs beside them. "We've got a Bahamut Zero Summon, am Elemental, a Luck Increase, an Earth, and an Ice."

Yazoo reached out and picked up the Ice materia. "Who left them here?" he asked softly.

"Somebody who's been giving us people to take care of," Tifa told him. "Like you three."

The Remnants beamed, and Cloud rolled his eyes. Tifa was growing fond of the three silver-hairs, but her friend most definitely was not. He still saw them as a threat, even though they hadn't done anything threatening yet. They didn't even have their weapons!

"So what will you do with this materia?" Kadaj asked, reaching for a tree-shaped cookie cutter.

"Keep it, of course," his adopted mother replied, rolling out some dough. "We just have to make sure that..."

"Materia!" Yuffie leapt out of nowhere, snatched the materia, and disappeared into the bar. Cloud and Tifa exchanged looks, and the swordsman raced after the ninja.

They both _hated _it when Yuffie did that.

_...five mastered materia, four Shadowfoxes, three Remanents, two drunk Turks, and a clumsy little thieving brat. _


	6. Day Six

**Summary: **Somebody has a very cruel sense of humor when it comes to Christmas gifts... Pity Cloud and Tifa! PITY THEM!

**Disclaimer: **I don't own these characters, I don't own the song in its original form. I do, however, own this new version of it!

**Queen's Quornor:** (grins) You will like this one. Finally, something useful that isn't tied up!

Day Six

_On the sixth day of Yuletide, someone evil sent to me..._

By the time Yuffie was finally caught, the materia were already gone.

The ninja was captured in a very unorthodox way. When she went racing past Marlene and Denzel's room, which was currently occupied by the Turks, Reno stuck his foot out the door. Yuffie went sailing down the hall, allowing Cloud and Loz time to catch up with her and sit on her. Yazoo tied her hands and legs, then gagged her when she started bitching. Currently the ninja was chained up on Tifa's bed, mummified in metal. Even then, it wasn't guaranteed that she would actually _stay put_.

Tifa, exhausted by the ordeal of chasing after Yuffie all day and irritated that the cookies she, Kadaj, and Yazoo had worked so hard on had been blackened in the oven during the chase, had conked out on the foldout couch-bed downstairs for the night. As expected, she had been joined by the three latest additions to the 7th Heaven family, but with one unexpected bedmate. Reno had snuck down the stairs after Tifa dragged her blankets and pillows down to the foldout, and crawled in on Kadaj's other side once the Remnents were asleep.

The presence of the drunk redhead was not the reason Tifa was still awake, however. For some odd reason, she just couldn't get to sleep.

Suspicion as to why was provided when she heard a soft scuffling at the front door. A quick glance at the clock revealed that it was currently 1:31 pm.

_It's him!_

_Or her._

_Whatever. _

Careful not to wake up her bedmates, Tifa got out of bed and padded to the front door, heedless of the cold wooden floor against her bare feet. She was reaching for the knob when a hand landed on her shoulder.

Her surprised shriek stifled only just in time, she whirled around to see Kadaj standing behind her, watching her with innocent blue-green eyes. "What's wrong, Mother? Why are you out of bed?" he asked quietly.

Tifa breathed a sigh of relief. "I think the same person who sent you and your brothers to us has just left us another 'gift'," she explained in a hushed tone. "I'm just checking to see if my suspicions are correct."

"Want me to check for you?" the youngest Remnant offered.

The martial artist's heart melted at that, but she shook her head. "It could be dangerous, Kadaj. You stay in here until I say it's safe."

He pouted, but nodded his acquiescence. That obedience to his mother-figure truly came in handy sometimes.

Tifa opened the door slowly and peeked outside, searching for a new package.

They were there, as expected. But it was not quite what she had thought might be showing up next.

Six weapons shone in the moonlight, laid out on the front stoop with obvious care. As with all the others, there was a ribbon somewhere on the weapon, but no tag this time.

Masamune, Cerberus, Rufus Shinra's shotgun, Reno's EMR, Yazoo's Velvet Nightmare, and Souba, all tressed up like Yuletide chocobos.

"How did..." Tifa shook her head, deciding not to question exactly how these weapons had ended up in the unidentified giver's hands. She already had more than enough questions about this person to ponder as it was. "Kadaj, will you help me get these inside?"

The youngest Remnent scurried outside at her call, stopping short when he saw the latest offering. "I thought Souba was lost," he murmured, reaching down to pick up the double-bladed katana. "I had it with me when Big Brother..." He looked up at her, his eyes huge and questioning. "How, Mother?"

"I don't have an answer, Kadaj." Tifa reached for Cerberus and the Masamune confidently. She had handled it once before without self-inflicted (or magic-borne) injury; there was no reason she couldn't pick it up now. Carrying them inside and setting them down on her bar, she went back outside for the shotgun and EMR. Kadaj followed her back inside, Souba and Velvet Nightmare in hand. "I have no idea how he or she managed to get any of these weapons, especially Cerberus."

"Maybe Big Brother will know," Kadaj offered, laying his sword reverently down on the bar next to its six-foot long cousin.

"Maybe he will." Tifa reached for Kadaj's hands and chaffed them softly between her own. "Come on, let's get back to bed. Your hands are freezing!"

"All right, Mother." Kadaj followed her back to the foldout, not even glancing at his old sword. Back in the bed, he curled up beside Tifa and put his arms around her, nuzzling her sleepily. "Good night, Mother."

The martial artist smiled and returned his embrace. "Good night, Kadaj."

_...six stolen weapons, five mastered materia, four Shadowfoxes, three Remanents, two drunk Turks, and a clumsy little thieving brat. _


	7. Day Seven

**Summary: **Somebody has a very cruel sense of humor when it comes to Christmas gifts... Pity Cloud and Tifa! PITY THEM!

**Disclaimer: **I don't own these characters, I don't own the song in its original form. I do, however, own this new version of it! Kandi is AmazonTurk's and Akalara is mine. The other OCs mentioned herein belong either to me or MysticSpiritus. Except the one mention of Revan. He's Kingmunkey's.

**Queen's Quornor:** Well Amazon, here I hope your question will be answered…

Day Seven

_On the seventh day of Yuletide, someone evil sent to me…_

It was quiet.

Too quiet.

Ordinarily, Cloud liked it quiet. But this particular quiet was…disquieting.

Tifa and the Remnants had gone out to the market for eggs and flour and milk, several key ingredients required for cookie-baking that they had run out of during Yuffie's latest theft. This left Cloud alone in the house with Reno and Rude (still drunk) and the metal-mummified Yuffie.

And the latest 'gift' was due. Cloud could feel it in his bones.

Cowering (he would call it 'a necessary act of concealment') in his room upstairs, listening to Reno and Rude discussing whether or not Tifa's chest was real, the swordsman nearly created a new skylight with his body when the phone beside his bed rang. Reaching up from his position on the floor, he put the receiver to his ear. "Hello?"

"Cloud? Is Tifa there?"

It was a female voice, familiar to the delivery boy. "She's out right now, Kandi."

"Well, maybe you can help me." He heard the red-streaked Turk rip open a chip bag and begin crunching on the contents. "Andria's missing. Seen her?"

"Can't say that I have."

"Well, I'm not worried or anything. Just damn concerned, since she was supposed to come straight home after she and Axys got their ice cream." Kandi sighed over the phone. "Maybe she went to visit Ak and Az. If she pops up, call me."

"Sure thing, Kandi," Cloud promised. He hung up the phone, but no sooner had it left his hand than the thing rang again. "Hello?"

"Cloud, this is Akalara. Is Azrael there?"

The swordsman shook his head. "No. I haven't seen him since he spent the night with Denzel last week."

"Dammit!" the green-haired Turk cussed. "He was supposed to call me ten minutes ago, when he got to Rev's for sword-training. Are you sure he hasn't been anywhere near the bar?"

"No. Why would he be? You and the other Turks all live near Old Midgar, on the other side of Edge," Cloud pointed out.

"Good point." He could hear Akalara pacing over the phone. "I'll try Kandi, then. Maybe he went to visit Andria instead. Thanks, Cloud."

"No problem." He hung up the phone just as Rude appeared at the door. "Yes, Rude?"

"Knocking. Door." His message delivered, the bald Turk passed out on the floor, flatter than a beached whale. Cloud stared at him for a moment, then raced downstairs.

The culprit had already been and gone. This time, however, the 'gifts' had gotten inside on their own. Marlene, Denzel, Axys, Andria, Azrael, Damien, and Kaya all blinked up at him wordlessly, bound together in a group by lengths of red ribbon.

There was a note this time. Cloud snatched it off Axys' head and scanned over it.

_Yuletide Greetings, my Dear Friends! Enjoy the Sweet Company of these Younglings, and the Good Tidings I send with them. May they provide you with many Hours of Exercise this Night, so you do not get Fat on Holiday Sweets and lose your Muscle Mass. _

"Since when did they start getting sarcastic?" Cloud muttered. "All right, kids. I'll get you out of there. Just sit tight for a second." The swordsman went searching for some scissors, mentally reminding himself to call Akalara, Kandi, Nilto, and Christine so they could all retrieve their children. Well…Axys could stay here with her father, but Cloud seriously doubted that Christine would appreciate her daughter seeing Reno in his present state.

The moment he cut the ribbon, it was like somebody had thrown a switch. One second the kids were just standing there, and the next they were running all over the bar, climbing on the stools and swinging from the fans above, screaming at the top of their lungs.

"Sweet company…" Cloud muttered dazedly. "Exercise…"

The bastard had given them all sugar.

_…seven kids a-hyper, six stolen weapons, five mastered materia, four Shadowfoxes, three Remanents, two drunk Turks, and a clumsy little thieving brat. _


	8. Day Eight

**Summary: **Somebody has a very cruel sense of humor when it comes to Christmas gifts... Pity Cloud and Tifa! PITY THEM!

**Disclaimer: **I don't own these characters, I don't own the song in its original form. I do, however, own this new version of it!

**Queen's Quornor:** Most of the kids have been picked up once Cloud got a chance to call their mommies. Right now, only Marlene, Axys, and Denzel are at the bar. I have also discovered something, and now believe I know how Mystic feels about Zack. I just can't write Rude, for some reason. I can do rude, I just can't do Rude. Get yo' minds outta da gutter! I don't care for bald guys that much. Probably because my daddy's bald and I've had more than enough of that.

Day Eight

_On the eighth day of Yuletide, someone evil sent to me..._

"Tifa, this is getting ridiculous." Cloud gesticulated to Reno and Rude, sitting at the bar with two tall glasses of water in front of them. "We've had Yuffie, the Turks, the Remnants, and now our closest friends' _kids_ dropped off in front of our bar, done up like Yuletide gifts. And your new security camera is doing us no good whatsoever; they always cover their face and hair so we can't identify them!"

"Cloud, calm down," Tifa shushed, looking at the three silver-headed men making puppy chow at the kitchen table. "This is probably going to be over Yuletide day."

"What makes you think that?"

"It's like the old song," she answered, going over to where Yazoo was melting the chocolate. She examined it carefully, then bestowed upon him an approving smile. The longhaired Remnant blushed softly at her unspoken praise, a pleased smirk playing about his lips.

Cloud leaned against the lintel of the kitchen door, watching Tifa with a scowl. Unnoticed, Reno reached for a bottle of vodka, quietly poured his water out into the sink behind the bar, and replaced it with the booze. "What old song?"

"You know. 'The Twelve Days of Yuletide'." The martial artist watched Loz and Kadaj mixing the rice cereal with the melted chocolate. "That's good, guys. Don't forget to dust it with the powered sugar when the squares are covered, ok?"

"Sure thing, Mother," Loz replied, turning the cereal over again.

Cloud felt his lips turning upward and quickly covered up his near-smile. The Remnants were cute, and they were eager to please, but he was having a hard time convincing himself that they, especially Kadaj, were not going to wait until they were asleep and stab them in their spleens. "So we have to put up with this nonsense until the 25th?"

"I think so." Tifa sighed as the door knocked. "Think that's our little friend?"

"Who else?" Cloud took a deep breath and raced for the front door, yanking it open with the hope of catching their phantom in the act.

Too late. Cloud was faced with front stoop crowded with...

"Coffins?"

_...eight Vincent's coffins, seven kids a-hyper, six stolen weapons, five mastered materia, four Shadowfoxes, three Remanents, two drunk Turks, and a clumsy little thieving brat. _


	9. Day Nine

**Summary: **Somebody has a very cruel sense of humor when it comes to Christmas gifts... Pity Cloud and Tifa! PITY THEM!

**Disclaimer: **I don't own these characters, I don't own the song in its original form. I do, however, own this new version of it!

**Queen's Quornor:** Now we go for something off the beaten trail... You all can speculate as much as you want; I'm not going to be revealing a damn thing until Christmas Day/Yuletide Morning! Of course, I could be a devious Queen and never tell you who is sending them all of these things/people...

Day Nine

_On the ninth day of Yuletide, someone evil sent to me..._

The phantom gift-giver was getting smarter. Today, their presents had been laying outside on the stoop when Tifa had opened the bar, ribbons and card awaiting her as usual. The martial artist had no choice but to bring the gifts inside, where people couldn't stare at them.

Currently, all nine of them were sitting at the bar, drowning their sorrows in beer.

The giver had left them nine former SOLDIERs, all of whom were busy weeping, whining, or wailing their loss of humanity. Somebody had convinced these boys that they were no more than monsters, due to the mako and trace amounts of JENOVA cells injected into their bodies during their tenure in the military. They all might have been considered fearsome, but right now they were rather pathetic, especially dressed in their fatigues with their weapons resting on their backs as they were.

Wishing Cloud was here to help her deal with this, Tifa refilled one SOLDIER's shotglass and slid it down the bar to him. Yuffie had been drugged to keep her out of the way, Rude was passed out on Cloud's bed, Reno was playing with Axys, Marlene, and Denzel in the kids' room, Kadaj and Yazoo were wrapping gifts, Loz was napping, and her best friend/secret crush was out delivering things around town and to Kalm. He wouldn't be back until late.

"My wife won't lemme forget Joey!" one warrior sobbed. "Sez I'm the reason he died, since my career in SOLDIER made him get the stigma!"

"My wife left me when she found out I was with Shinra," another wailed, big fat tears rolling down his cheeks. "She took everything. Even my dog!"

The fourth on the bar gazed solemnly into his drink, his face sad. "My doctor won't refer to me as anything other than 'the Beast'. He says I deserve nothing less, since I'm not human anymore."

"We aren't!" the first lamented loudly. "Damn Shinra! They stole our souls when we signed those waivers!"

"It's our own fault," another declared softly. "We gave up our humanity willingly, for the chance to become faster, stronger. To become heroes.

"To become like Sephiroth."

A great wail went up throughout the bar, forcing Tifa to put down the bottle of vodka and cover her ears. She was making a lot of gil from these customers, but when she and Cloud found out who was giving them all these gifts, she was going to kick his or her ass herself.

It was always pathetic, seeing grown men cry like this.

_...nine SOLDIERs moping, eight Vincent's coffins, seven kids a-hyper, six stolen weapons, five mastered materia, four Shadowfoxes, three Remanents, two drunk Turks, and a clumsy little thieving brat. _


	10. Day Ten

**Summary: **Somebody has a very cruel sense of humor when it comes to Christmas gifts... Pity Cloud and Tifa! PITY THEM!

**Disclaimer: **I don't own these characters, I don't own the song in its original form. I do, however, own this new version of it!

**Queen's Quornor:** _(whistles innocently)_ There is going to be a slight change in plans... Not in this chapter. Just for the fic in general, since I'm a bit ahead of schedule...

Day Ten

_On the tenth day of Yuletide, someone evil sent to me..._

Cloud and Tifa and were fast asleep when a piercing shriek tore them from pleasant dreams of each other and the things they would love to be doing, if the other knew of their secret crushes. The scream was immediately followed by Reno shouting for the culprit to 'shut the hell up' before he ripped the person's testicles off and shoved them down their throat, Yuffie calling for Tifa to let her out of her chains (the two friends had resorted to hanging the metal-wrapped ninja from the ceiling, as she had broken Cloud's bedsprings with her bouncing), Axys and Marlene screaming in terror from the blood-curdling sound, and Denzel pounding the wall to make them all shut up. Rude, as usual, made no noise whatsoever.

The first thing Tifa noticed was that the latest additions to the household were out of bed somewhere, all three of them, and she had no idea where they were. The second thing she noticed was how hard Cloud's muscular body was when one was running full-force into it.

The bartender would have fallen to the ground, had the owner of the aforementioned hard body not reached out and grabbed her, dragging her back upright against himself. Both participants froze, shocked by the proximity to the object of their secret affections. They had never gotten this close before. Why, Tifa wasn't sure.

She did know, however, that her heart was beating a mile a minute and Cloud's was too; she could feel it against her own chest. Licking her lips nervously, she realized how close their faces were. If he leaned in just a bit closer, he could easily kiss her, for the very first time.

The swordsman seemed to be demonstrating his famous mind-reading act. He bent the tiniest bit closer to her, still holding her securely against his naked chest, his intent clear in his glowing eyes...

And the spell was broken as another scream sounded from the front door.

Their faces redder than fire and just as hot, the pair broke apart, unable to look at each other. Tifa bit her lip, unsure of whether to say something or not. On the one hand, she wanted to just run back to her room and let her crush handle the situation downstairs. On the other, she wanted to see who was screaming, why, and chew them out for interrupting the long-anticipated, much fantasized moment of truth. More than anything, however, she wanted to wrap her arms around Cloud's neck, drag him down to her level, and make him finish what he had almost started!

She finally decided to just discuss it later and slipped by him, down the stairs and out of his immediate sight.

The screams had come from the Remnants, of all people. They were gathered around the door, staring at something with horrified eyes. Tifa was shocked to realize that the three former kidnappers and merciless killers were _terrified _of whatever was out there.

She went to Kadaj and laid her hand on his shoulder. He jumped about a foot in the air, but then realized who it was and threw his arms around her, crying loudly. Stunned, Tifa put her arms around him, stroking his hair and murmuring soothing noises against his scalp. What was there that could terrify a Remnant of Sephiroth?

Yazoo and Loz stepped aside and likewise turned to their adopted mother for comfort, allowing the bartender a glimpse of that which lay on the stoop. Her dark red eyes widened in shock, and her arms tightened protectively upon her charges.

Ten black plastic boxes, wrapped in 'Caution' tape.

_Exactly _like the box that had once held Jenova's liquified noggin.

No wonder her adopted sons were so afraid. With the new life they had constructed over the past few days, the second chance they had been given to live as they pleased, the reappearance of 'Mother' was like a nightmare come true.

Cloud came down the stairs, and Tifa saw his eyes darken ever so slightly with jealousy. "What's wrong, Teef? Why were they screaming?"

"Our 'friend' has left a new present," she replied, gesturing out the window brusquely before laying a soothing hand on Yazoo, who had burrowed under her arm on the left side. The oldest Remnant had done the same on the right. "Whoever it is, they scared the hell out of Kadaj, Yazoo, and Loz."

The swordsman gave her a curious look, but nevertheless went to investigate. He went chalk-white when he saw the boxes. "You don't think..."

"Don't say it." Tifa rubbed Loz and Yazoo's backs, and kissed Kadaj's head soothingly. "They're going to have nightmares as it is."

"What are we going to do with them? They can't just sit out here, and we can't bring them into the bar!"

"Get rid of them. I won't let _her _destroy them again. Not them, not Denzel, and not you." Tifa took a deep breath, and began manuevering her silver-haired sons to the stairwell. "I'm going to put these three to bed. You get rid of those." She paused at the stairs and craned her neck to look at the swordsman. "Cloud?"

"Yeah?" he replied, considering tools and appliances.

Tifa worried her lip, the plucked up her courage. "We need to talk at some point. Good night."

"G-good night, Tifa," Cloud stammered. Talk? About the almost-kiss? He had a spine, but that would test even his legendary courage!

Putting the thought out of his mind, the blond looked at the boxes, and picked on up, shaking it next to his ear. It sloshed, confirming his suspicion.

There were pieces of Jenova in these.

But how to dispose of them...?

His sapphire gaze fell on the blender behind the bar, and inspiration struck.

CTCTCTCTCTCTCTCTCTCTCTCTCT

By the time Cloud got home, it was nearly sunrise. Putting the now-clean blender back in place behind the bar, the swordsman headed straight for the laundry room, already stripping off and looking forward to a shower and several hours of uninterrupted sleep.

He didn't think Tifa would appreciate the bed linens smelling like sewage, after all. It was going to be bad enough, dealing with his clothes.

_...ten Jenova pieces, nine SOLDIERs moping, eight Vincent's coffins, seven kids a-hyper, six stolen weapons, five mastered materia, four Shadowfoxes, three Remanents, two drunk Turks, and a clumsy little thieving brat. _


	11. Day Eleven

**Summary: **Somebody has a very cruel sense of humor when it comes to Christmas gifts... Pity Cloud and Tifa! PITY THEM!

**Disclaimer: **I don't own these characters, I don't own the song in its original form. I do, however, own this new version of it!

**Queen's Quornor:** Now for a bit more fun... And because it doesn't look like I made it clear enough in the last chapter, Jenova's undesired, unwelcome remains were disposed of by Cloud in the following fashion: he pureed them in Tifa's blender, then poured them in the main 'Incoming' tank of the local waste treatment plant. Jenova is now floating in a bunch of shit. Exactly where she belongs.

Day Eleven

_On the eleventh day of Yuletide, someone evil sent to me..._

"Tifa!"

The martial artist looked up from the stove, her gaze following the sound across the ceiling to its source: Cloud's bathroom upstairs. Wondering what was wrong, she finished putting the scrambled eggs on a huge platter and set it on the table, allowing the Remnants, the Turks, the kids, and the metal-bound ninja access to it. "Kadaj, make sure Yuffie eats. If she spits her eggs out again, you have my permission to rub them in her face," she instructed, heading for the stairs. "I'll be right back."

Running up the stairs, she made a beeline for Cloud's room. They had a mutual rule between them; if the door was open, it was safe to come inside. A closed door meant something unsuitable for casual (and the children's) eyes was going on within, and an invitation for entrance was required before said door was to be opened. Cloud's door was open; it was safe.

The martial artist peeked inside. "Cloud?"

"Tifa, I have a problem," came the muffled reply from the bathroom opposite the bed. "Suggestions?"

"What problem is it?" she asked, stepping inside his room.

Her reply came when the bathroom door swung open and the swordsman stepped out. The only thing hiding his body from view was a towel hanging around his hips. Tifa suddenly found herself drooling, and swallowed a mouthful of saliva before her crush could see.

Then she came to the realization that Cloud didn't exactly...look like himself.

She had been so distracted by the water glistening on his tanned skin, flushed from his shower, that she had failed to notice that his hair was not in its usual gravity-defying spikes. His soft blond hair hung wet and straight, the longest strands as long as Kadaj's, but in the fashion of normal hair. Not _Cloud's _hair.

"Cloud, what...?"

"I need hair gel," he stated flatly, crossing his arms over his (hard, toned, drool-inducing) chest. "I'm completely out."

Tifa tore her eyes away from his washboard abs to adopt a puzzled look. "I didn't realize you _used _gel. I've never seen you use it before, not here and definitely not while we were out on the road."

Cloud pinked slightly, as if embarrassed. "Well, I do. And I did. I was just clever about hiding the bottles, that's all."

"Where on Gaia did you hide them?" she asked, unable to wrap her mind around the idea of Cloud using hair gel on a daily basis. She'd touched his hair before; it never, _ever_ felt stiff and crusty, as normal gelled styles did.

"Pants."

The simple answer stunned her. "_What?!_"

Cloud bit his lip, not looking at her. "That's why the pants were so baggy. I had my bottles of hair gel in them."

Tifa stared at him for a second, and then leaned back and howled at the celing, wrapping her arms around her middle in laughter. The idea of _Cloud Strife_, the renowned hero, monster-slayer, and much-desired bishie walking around with plastic bottles of hair gel in his pants was too ridiculous for her to maintain a straight face.

Cloud glared at her, waited patiently until her cackles faded into mere giggles. "Are you finished?"

She nodded vigorously, wiping tears from the corners of her eyes. "I think so!"

"Good. Now, unless you want me to go down there looking like the woman so many men wish I was, get me some gel!" Cloud paused as a thumping sound advanced up the stairs. "What the...?"

Yuffie appeared in the doorway a moment later, her face smeared with yellow bits of egg. "There's somebody at the doooowhoa baby!" She whistled, vocally approving of Cloud's current lack of conventional attire. "No wonder Tifa's got the hots for you, Spikes! You're the hottest hunk of man-meat on the Planet!"

If Cloud was beet-red, Tifa was a shade of crimson previously unknown to the color wheel. "Yuffie!" she complained, mortified.

"What? I know you fantasize about him! I'm right next to your room, and these walls are pretty thin. I can hear you moaning his name at night." Yuffie closed her eyes and opened her mouth in a mocking face, imitating the other woman's sounds. "Cloud! _Cloud!_"

"Shut up!" Tifa clapped her hand over the ninja's mouth, unable to even glance at Cloud. "You're hallucinating. You need food."

"But I just..."

"Here! Eat!" Tifa scooped some egg out of Yuffie's hair and shoved it in her mouth, forcing her jaw shut and pushing her out the door. Suddenly very aware that she was alone in a bedroom with Cloud, who was now aware of her nightly activities, the martial artist found herself unable to turn around and actually _look _at him. "Um... I'll...go buy you some hair gel."

"Tifa..."

He didn't get a chance to finish the sentance. There was a cry of "Cloud/Spiky/Dude!" from the front door, and Tifa took the opportunity to flee.

The numerous houseguests and family members were at the bar, holding a big, gift-wrapped box. Axys held out a card to the martial artist. "This was outside. It's for Cloud."

"Thanks, Ax." Tifa took the card and read it to herself.

_Yuletide Greetings to my Dearest Friend, Cloud! I know you will need These Gifts before the Day is complete!_

One brow raised, Tifa glanced inside the box.

Hair gel. Exactly as Cloud had asked.

Normally, Tifa would jump at the chance to take these up to him. But after Yuffie's revealing comments...

"Rude, would you mind taking these up to Cloud, please?"

_...eleven cans of hair gel, ten Jenova pieces, nine SOLDIERs moping, eight Vincent's coffins, seven kids a-hyper, six stolen weapons, five mastered materia, four Shadowfoxes, three Remanents, two drunk Turks, and a clumsy little thieving brat. _


	12. Day Twelve

**Summary: **Somebody has a very cruel sense of humor when it comes to Christmas gifts... Pity Cloud and Tifa! PITY THEM!

**Disclaimer: **I don't own these characters, I don't own the song in its original form. I do, however, own this new version of it!

**Queen's Quornor:** 100th review gets a oneshot! And as for this chapter...(laughs evilly)

Day Twelve

_On the twelfth day of Yuletide, someone evil sent to me..._

Tifa bit her lip, watching out the window while she mixed up a martini for a white-collar customer waiting at the bar. It was eight at night, and the expected twelve gifts had yet to show up on their doorstep.

Yuffie was still dangling from the ceiling upstairs. Reno had been banished to Cloud's room so he would not get one ounce of alcohol, and his daughter was keeping him company and occupied. Marlene and Denzel were playing in their own room, and Rude was 'bouncing' tonight. Basically, he was sitting by the door, looking intimidating despite his drunken stupor. The Remnants were hiding upstairs, because Tifa wasn't sure how customers would react if they saw the three silver-haired men. Cloud had escaped to the garage, as Fenrir was in desperate need of a tune-up. The swordsman had finished his deliveries yesterday, but the bike had fallen strangely silent in the middle of the street. He had had to wheel it back to the bar on foot.

That left Tifa to watch for their phantom gift-giver, and her attention was divided between the door and her somewhat demanding customer.

She also found her attention wandering to memories of two nights past, when she and Cloud had been so close to kissing at long last. She had always cared for him, and now she absolutely loved him. Of late, however, she had despaired of him ever returning her feelings. But the look in his eyes when he had caught her, when he had leaned in to her... it told her everything she needed to know.

He loved her too.

But knowing Cloud, he would never come out and tell her of his own volition. He lacked the self-esteem needed to pull it off. If he was ever going to confess his feelings, she had to do it first.

There was a plan forming, but Tifa wasn't sure she had the guts to do it.

The customer finished his martini and slammed the delicate glass down on the bar. Tifa breathed a sigh of relief when she saw that the glass had not shattered. "Woman, gimme a Bloody Shinra!" he demanded. "Wi' extra booze in the juice!"

"Coming right up, sir." Tifa turned around and got out the tomato juice and liquor. When she turned around, there was a box sitting on the front stoop, complete with gift wrap and ribbon. She felt her eyes widen - she had never even seen anybody approach the door! - but finished mixing the drink and set it in front of her customer. That done, she slipped out from behind the bar and dashed over to the front door. The box was quickly scooped up and deposited on a nearby table, where unwrapping revealed a plain white box. Puzzled, the martial artist opened the top flap.

Save for a small card, the box was empty.

The card read _Yuletide Greetings to my Dearest Friends! I know you are Expecting twelve Gifts, but you will have to be Patient. Your Final Gifts shall Arrive Tommorow, on Yuletide Morning, when you All may enjoy them. _

Tifa wasn't sure whether to laugh, cry, or scream.

_...absolutely nothing!_


	13. The Thirteenth Day

**Summary: **Somebody has a very cruel sense of humor when it comes to Christmas gifts... Pity Cloud and Tifa! PITY THEM!

**Disclaimer: **I don't own these characters, I don't own the song in its original form. I do, however, own this new version of it!

**Queen's Quornor:** And now, our true twelfth day. My apologies for leaving you all hanging yesterday. You see, I started this fic a day early, so I needed a filler.

The Thirteenth Day

_On the morning of Yuletide, someone evil sent to me..._

Yuletide morning was cold and snowy, exactly as the children loved. When Cloud awoke, he found his room to be absolutely freezing. And considering his customary lack of sleeping attire, he was basically a spiky-haired icicle.

Chilled to the bone, the swordsman burrowed down into his blankets and pulled them tight around his neck Thinking of Costa del Sol's warm, sunny beaches, he closed his eyes and tried to go back to sleep.

This attempt was abruptly shattered when a herd of chocobos thundered down the hallway, the door to his room banged against the wall, and two large, heavy weights cannonballed into his bed.

"Cloud! Cloud!" Marlene and Denzel rolled around, accidentally kicked him in delicate places, and together pulled the covers away from his head. "It's Yuletide morning! Tifa says we can't open our presents until everybody comes downstairs!"

Cloud groaned and yanked the covers back up, praying that the annoyances screaming in his ear and ruining his chances of ever having children would go away and leave him alone.

"Cloooouuuuud!" Marlene whined. "Come on! Get up!"

There was an annoyed huff from Denzel, and the bed snapped up slightly as the kids climbed back onto the floor. Cloud, assuming the kids were gone, nuzzled back into his pillow.

A moment later, the swordsman curled up into a tight little ball as his blanket-nest was suddenly ripped off his bed, brutally exposing him to the freezing atmosphere permeating his sanctuary. Shivering, he lifted his head to glare at the fiends that had stolen his blankets, then dropped it back on his pillow.

With a sigh, Marlene reached out and yanked the pillow off the bed, making Cloud's head thud into the mattress. "If you don't get out of bed, we're bringing Reno in here!" she threatened.

"So?" Cloud mumbled, shielding his eyes from the sun with his folded arms.

Denzel and Marlene looked at each other, then the sandy-haired boy leaned in closer to his idol. "Then we'll bring Yuffie in here. _Unchained._"

Cloud was out of bed and down the stairs like a shot.

CTCTCTCTCTCTCTCTCTCTCTCTCTCTCT

"Well, that was a nice Yuletide." Tifa settled back in the chair and curled up, sipping her eggnog while her crimson eyes flicked over her assorted family and guests. "It's too bad not everybody could join us, but it was nice all the same."

"Especially since we were able to send Rufus and Vincent back their guns," Cloud commented, examining his new set of whetstones.

"It could've been better," Yuffie grumbled. Her gift, a nice shiney pinwheel, spun colorfully behind her head, nestled safely in the chains. "You guys didn't give me any materia!"

"How could we? You stole them all!" Loz accused, looking through his new set of Power Wheels motorcycle models. "Meanie!"

"'Meanie' and 'Yuffie' are syn...sin...sinonimonious with each other, Loz," Reno slurred. He had gotten a wine rack, and had already put it to good use by filling it with Tifa's vodka collection. Rude nodded, playing with his new sunglasses.

"Synonomous," Yazoo murmured, looking through his new Encyclopedia of Dangerous Weapons.

"Wha'ever, twerp!" the redhead shot back.

"Don't you call my brother a twerp, jerk!" Kadaj yelled. He had gotten a new motorcycle for Yuletide, something he seriously appreciated.

"No fighting on Yuletide, boys," Tifa commanded.

"You know what's really great?" Cloud said, looking up at her. "It's Yuletide Day, and we haven't heard from that..." There was a knock at the door.

"You jinxed it, Cloud," Denzel snickered, putting the batteries in his remote-control airship.

The swordsman shot him a dirty look while he got up and went to the door. As he pulled on the door, he closed his eyes, preparing for a dozen motorcycles or chocobos or something else terrible and dangerous to small children and blond ex-SOLDIERs.

Instead, he found himself slammed back against the wall as the door banged into him and people streamed inside. Cloud's eyes popped open and he merely stared as a whole group of friends and acquaintances made themselves at home in his living room.

Sephiroth, Zack, Aerith, Reeve, Barrett, Shelke, Shalua, Akalara, Azrael, Andria, and Kandi were all chattering and sitting around the living room, perfectly happy and chipper and drinking all of the eggnog. Cloud, shocked, was about to close the door when it was pushed back against him, and another unexpected guest walked inside, this one totally unfamiliar to the spiky-haired swordsman.

This was a woman in a black t-shirt and jeans, with long, wavy hair of light brown hue, green eyes shielded by glasses, and no bra. She smiled up at him, playing with the sword pendant hanging about her neck. There was a matching black leather wrist cuff covered with silver studs on her left wrist. "Hey, Cloud!"

Cloud's mouth worked for a moment, but no sound came out. Tifa stood up a moment later and approached the stranger with open arms, followed by Kadaj and Yazoo. "Queen! We weren't expecting to see you!" the martial artist exclaimed, hugging the young woman.

"Did you like my gifts?" she asked, grinning.

"You're the one who sent us those?!" Cloud sputtered, shoving the door closed.

"Well, duh!" she replied, rolling her eyes. "I figured I'd liven up your holiday a little."

"You boxed up the Turks and the Remnents, hogtied Yuffie, stole four Shadowfoxes and a bunch of weapons, swiped a box of hair gel, copied Vincent's coffins, kidnapped seven little kids and nine SOLDIERs, terrified the aforementioned Remnants with ten pieces of Jenova's body, and illegally refined mako into materia!!!" The frazzled SOLDIER completely lost his cool. "How do you call that _livening up our holiday?!"_

The four-eyed woman put her hands on her hips and tilted her head to one side, still smiling coyly. "Well... It wasn't boring, was it?"

Cloud and Tifa exchanged looks, and the martial artist nodded, pulling Kadaj and Yazoo close. "I wish you'd told us in advance, but... I definitely don't regret these gifts."

"Those Shadowfoxes are pretty sweet," Cloud admitted.

"And the materia will come in handy, if you ever find them." Queen walked up to Cloud and clapped his shoulder companionably. "Besides, I made it possible for you to talk with your two best friends today, and a bunch of other people you know and call friends. Isn't that worth the annoyances I put you and Tifa through?"

Tifa smiled, still hugging her adopted sons. "I think so."

Queen pulled her cuffed hand out of her jeans and revealed it to the swordsman. "Now, here's my actual gift."

Cloud and Tifa looked at the present, then at each other.

Mistletoe.

"I'll just tape it here," she said, pasting it to the arch of the doorway. "C'mon, Kadaj. C'mon, Yazoo. I have so much to tell you two!"

Queen and the two silver-haired men went back into the living room, already chattering. Cloud and Tifa looked at the mistletoe and then each other, then blushed red and quickly looked away from each other.

"Ummm..." Tifa couldn't meet his eyes. "Queen... Queen's a real joker, isn't she?" She laughed nervously. "She's got this crazy idea that..."

"That what?" Cloud inquired, stepping closer to her.

"That..." The martial artist stopped and licked her lips. "That you and I should get together. That we belong together. She's been trying to make us hook up for years. Isn't that silly?"

Tifa started to go back into the living room, but was stopped by a hand on her upper arm. Cloud pulled her back into the room and swept her up into his arms.

"I don't think so," he murmured, before lowering his head to hers.

_...twelve uninvited guests, eleven cans of hair gel, ten Jenova pieces, nine SOLDIERs moping, eight Vincent's coffins, seven kids a-hyper, six stolen weapons, five mastered materia, four Shadowfoxes, three Remanents, two drunk Turks, and a clumsy little thieving brat!_

_**From Queen and Co: Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year!**_


End file.
